after all these years I think the reason I have found it so hard to forget... is that we really had something but more than that, was that I thought that and I wasn't sure than and I'm not sure now that you felt the same way I did. I loved you and I would have gone to the ends of the earth for you with no reason but because I loved you and you were mine, I had given you my heart my whole heart! you on the other hand needed to sow your seed, you made me look and feel like a fool !!!!!
I needed you to lay your soul down, naked and bare for me to come back and prove to me that you really loved me and deserved me returning to your life. You didn't do any of that. I moved on and lowered my standards. I don't mean that in a bad way. I was so young and so in love and being the endless romantic that Iam I had to in order to not be hurt like that ever again ! and I never have been hurt like that or felt hurt like that until Elijah died! That hurt, that is never going away! because the out come is never going to change! So the times that I feel so desperate to know how you are or how you are doing, is really only a win for you in the game of wins and only says that Iam still that young girl I once was. part of me wants thats girl to get a grip and the other part of me embraces that fact that part of me is still young. so to you please take care of yourself and please try to do better! ( just because I know you can).
I understand what you're writing about, and some wounds never heal. Maybe by hanging on to the past,you know the times in our life when we felt alive, passionate,and in love, keeps us hoping through hard times that things can be good again...
ReplyDeletepeople change so much in life that even if we could go back we wouldn't be able to resurrect the love and passion we remember so deeply. What you and " " had can never be the way you want it...at our age if we're not living life in a responsible way the chances are we never will. I think he's made his choices, and it shows in the life he's living.
I wish so badly that we could have our brother back and I keep his picture on my bathroom counter and think of him daily...I also have your picture there too! I'm so proud of your accomplishments, and that you are such a fighter!! I always come home after visiting you with a renewed zest for life! Love you, sister!! :)